Afraid
by mancaal
Summary: Sometimes it's easier to hide form ourselves. A lesson two attorneys took time to understand. Femslash. Casey/Alex.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't won Law & Order SVU nor any of the character.

A/N: first time writing a story, hope you all like it, reviews much appreciated. English is not my native tongue so please excuse my mistakes, and let me now about them for proper corrections.

LOASVULOASVULOASVU

Chapter 1

CN

Like most nights in New York, that was a chilly one, despite Casey Novak wasn't feeling the cold breeze against her face, neither she felt the freezing blowing untangling her strawberry hair, because tonight after three long years of loneliness and despair Casey felt alive again, Casey was an ADA again.

Long gone were the years when she was a respected attorney, when she thought she was making a difference by defending all those girls, kids, men and women that were assaulted. That same thinking was the factor that took her to lying to a judge, putting the integrity of the victims before her own self, sometimes she thought that maybe it wasn't worthy but then again she remembered all the times that the people thank her. But tonight that isn't important anymore, tonight the only thing the red head attorney is thinking, is about a fresh start.

She had just walked out of the DA's office, and suddenly she realized her life was just starting to fall together once more, but this time she wouldn't let it break so easily; but Casey Novak never thought that things would never be the same.

AC

It's been a while since Alexandra Cabot had come out of WPP, she tried to get back her old life, and somehow she had succeeded at that, she became Bureau Chief and sometime later she went back to prosecute sex crimes, nonetheless she felt incomplete, she felt that she left something behind when she was forced into WPP, but that is something she never takes time to really think about.

Today she is coming back once again; she left to help people overseas in Africa, even though she was making the things right over there, she couldn't stop thinking about returning home, to find what she left behind so many years ago.

And so she is here, arriving at JFK picking up her luggage, walking out to board a taxi, trying to think how to start the rest of her life; but Alexandra Cabot never thought that things would never be the same.

Matter of fact, none of both attorneys knew that night was the start of something they never thought could even happen.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Coming back from Africa was somehow harder than she thought it would be, the time exchange, the weather, but it doesn't matter because she is home and that's all she cares about. It was just a matter of time for her to return to the DA's office, and she was bemused to get once again SVU, not because she couldn't handle it, but because she recently heard that Casey Novak was back, and she had already prosecuted a couple cases of the 1-6.

It was almost noon when she was called to the precinct; they just caught a perpetrator accused of raping and stabbing to dead a young woman.

"So where are we standing?" Asked the blonde counselor

"The bastard's prints were found in the victims cars, plus he matches the physical description the victim provided us". Olivia said with a little bit of rage, due to the fact that she already wanted to put that scum bag away.

"Well, I don't think it will be enough to charge him with anything, he just matches a description, but the victim isn't able to point him as her attacker". Alex said to Olivia just explaining what their legal standing was.

"Oh cut the crap Alex, there must be something else you can do about that, a search warrant, something; we can't just let him go". Olivia pointed that out at the verge of her nerves; it was obvious they were having a really tough case at the 1-6.

"Give me a couple of hours, maybe I can get a search warrant for his home, can't promise anything but I'll try". That was all Alex said before taking her briefcase.

Meanwhile at the DA's office Casey Novak was preparing herself for a trial, and maybe it could be call a déjà vu but it was a white collar crime; she couldn't really figure out how she felt right now, that she had returned to where she started all those years ago, she somehow felt torn, she felt relieve that she wouldn't be dealing with living victims, damaged kids; but on the opposite side she had a soft spot for _her_ detectives, but specially that feeling of changing the world one step at a time every time she helped each and every one of those victims. Casey couldn't helped but smile at those fond memories, but right now she better get hurry she wouldn't be late for court.

Already in the courthouse Alex had just finished arguing with Judge Cohen about the search warrant for the home of Ralph Andrews, it wasn't the hardest argument she ever had with a judge but it certainly wasn't the easiest too; she certainly was in hurry so she was almost running out of the courthouse but at the exact same moment she was at the court's steps she notice the slender figure of Casey Novak, suddenly the red head attorney notice her too, they could almost notice that each one of them were in a hurry so they just exchanged smiles.

It may be the simplest thing, smile to someone else, but for Alex that moment seemed almost unreal, smiling to the person that took her job and part of her life, but then things got reversed and ended just where they started: Cabot at SVU and Novak ant white collar; for that moment Alexandra allowed herself to fantasize, and think that maybe nothing ever really happened, but the noises coming from the cars cruising down the street brought her back from her trance, and once again she got to face reality and it made her feel a chill running down her spine. She checked the hour, _"Damn, I better hurry up". _


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The case just continue to get worse with every day it pass, every time they got new evidence it was just not enough to get a clear conviction, heck it wasn't even enough to get the case to court; but as if things weren't already fucked the case, was getting beyond the rape and murder of a young women, it was morphing into something bigger and repulsive.

"According to the evidence found at the creep's computer we must follow the lead on those bank accounts mentioned in those files". Elliot said to Fin who was exhausted just as the other detectives.

"I agree but we gotta wait to see if the techs got something else on the panties that we found over his place, besides Munch got the word those accounts are of banks over the Cayman Islands, so that means we cannot really follow that lead, it will take us to nothing". Is all Det. Tutuola said while taking seat at his desk and sighing in resignation.

At that precise moment when the detectives felt most of the investigation was leading to nowhere, the phone rang, it was Cap. Don Cragen who answered, every gaze in the room was focused on him, trying to guess what was making the captain so visibly uncomfortable.

When he hung up, there wasn't the need to ask what was going on, Cragen filled in all of her detectives and officers, he explained that TARU found some prints of the victim, besides prints from 2 other men who were already registered in the system as sex offender, pedophiles.

At the same time at the DA's office, ADA Novak was pacing through the halls with her case in her left hand and caressing her temple with the other one, it had been a really long day dealing with some Wall Street crooks that really got into her nerves, she was hoping to get home soon, but she remembered that day at the courthouse steps with Alex, she had really wanted to go over her office and greet her but her schedule was really tight so she decided it was about the right time, so she suddenly got to the elevator now hoping to find Alex.

As soon as Alex heard a tapping on her office's door she stopped looking over the papers she had been analyzing all the evening, she stood up and approached the door with a lot of caution due to the recent events of the case, she gathered herself and with a solid yet soft voice she asked "Who's this".

On the other side the door, Casey Novak answered with a tired yet somehow cheerful voice, "Sorry to interrupt you Alex, it's me Casey Novak from SVU". As soon as she let that out of her mouth, she mentally kicked herself for being so formal; of course Alex knew Casey worked sex crimes.

By just listening the voice Alex recognize the person a Case, so she just opened the door and greeted the other attorney with a warm smile, "Hello Casey what a surprise, I wasn't expecting someone especially at this hour, but come in please have a seat".

"Oh sorry Alex, I never meant to interrupt your work, I just wanted to stop by and say hello properly since the last time at courthouse we really couldn't even exchange some words".

"I really appreciate that, I mean, I know how hard it's to work at the DA's office and you taking some of that time to visit me it's something moving". Alex stated with a hint of merry in her voice.

"Ain't no big thing, besides I heard about what's going on with your case, lots of loopholes and nonsense; so I figured out maybe you should take a minute for yourself", Was all Casey said while she rearranged on the office's couch.

"I think you should knew better, that I just can't stop working", that sounded a little bit harsh, so Alex apologized immediately "Sorry about that…."

"No, I meant there's no need for apologizing, and if that is the case I'm the one should be doing it", Casey said while she stood up from the couch. "Well Alex it's getting real late, so I better get going, and I really need to get some rest, and it looks you may as well. It was a pleasure Alex". Casey smirked at the blonde.

"I can't complain it was really nice seeing you again Miss Novak", said the ADA as she escorted the other woman to the door.

The attorney sat back again over his desk and couldn't help but smile at how okay it felt talking with Casey, even the could just called each other acquaintances, she was lost in her thoughts when she was brought back again from them, this time was the phone.

"Cabot talking"

"Alex is Don Cragen, we got something new…."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The last days have been really stressing for the detectives of the SVU and so for her attorneys, they finally had gotten solid evidence on the perpetrator but also they got to discover the main people involve in child pornography operation that had been running for years, the worst part was that doesn't ended there, because they also found out they later sold the children for prostitution or organs trafficking.

Even though evidence was more than enough to convict all of the implicated on the case, Alex couldn't stop feeling guilty for not stopping that baseness before, the trial wasn't over yet but she already knew those bastards were going to jail at least for the rest of their rotten, twisted lifes; however she felt powerless for not being able to help all those countless kids whom had suffered in the dirty claws of those merciless men.

That kind of thinking was what occupied her mind all these days, but now things were not as before, now she wouldn't allow anyone to her broken again, now she was afraid that maybe she would be tell she couldn't handle SVU anymore, but above all, her biggest fear was being pull once again into WPP. She knew many of the witnesses would be pulled into the program, so, she started to feel uneasy about maybe being in need going in once again.

She needed to talk to someone, maybe Elliot, maybe Olivia, maybe Fin and Munch, even captain Cragen; but even though they were her friends her proud wouldn't allow her to go with them for comfort, she couldn't let them deemed her weak; to anyone it may sound ridiculous that the all mighty Alexandra Cabot was afraid of something, but in her mind it all make perfect sense, so she decided to talk to someone who could understand her but mostly only one who wouldn't judge her.

Sure white collar wasn't as stressing as SVU was, but Casey still had to work late especially because all of the shylocks and sharks that were being processed for the last years crisis at wall street, in fact it was almost unbelievable for the red head that those crooks were out there running companies and playing with other people's savings.

She was deep in thought when an opening door startled her out of her work, immediately she lifted her sight and really got surprised to see Alexandra Cabot walking into her office, the woman look totally depleted, so Casey just motioned her to take seat.

The room was completely in silence, Casey only offered Alex a simple yet comforting smirk, suddenly it was Alex who spoke, "Working late? I guess it never gets easy right".

Casey didn't expect something so _obvious _coming out from Alex's mouth, she never really got to know her well, but from what she always had heard the attorney in front of her was a pretty accomplished person, so she decided to blame her earlier _greeting_ on the hour and exhaustion, and she just got along with it; "Well I think you must know better than me since you're again with special victims" Casey said adding a sly smile.

The blonde couldn't contain a smile, _"The first one in all day"_, she just thought it was hilarious how Casey could turn something sad into something silly just by her way of talking, _"Blunt but funny, not blunt just straightforward"_.

Just before Alex could answer something Casey spoke up again, "So what brings you up to my humble dwelling at this hour,? I was almost leaving" the ADA asked looking straight into Alex's blue eyes.

"_Maybe I was right earlier, definitely blunt". _She shove back those thoughts and answered to the question lingering in the air, "Well Casey I just wanted to return the politeness you offer the other day", now it was Alex's time to show a sly smirk, sure she needed to talk to someone but she always had been haughty and so sure of her own self that she would never allowed herself to show a bit of neediness, and sure it wouldn't be to someone as arrogant and proud as Casey Novak.

"Well, being that the occasion let me invite you a cup of coffee" offered Casey, saying it more like an order than a polite invitation.

"Guess I don't have any other option" Alex answered with a smile on her face.

"Just give me a minute and we'll get the hell out of here" said ADA Novak while started gathering her stuff to leave.

As they were leaving the building they could feel the cold embrace NYC offered them, and Casey was the one who broke the ice "So, how are things going at special victims?"

Even though Alex remained calmed on the surface, deep down she knew this was the true reason of her visit to Casey, and now that Casey had touched the topic she started to feel uneasy; "You know how it is Casey, despite the evidence is enough to convict those scums, I get to think that maybe there's still more to find out".

Casey looked over at Alex with a sad smile on her face, she was right she knew pretty well those kind of thoughts and feelings, and it didn't matter she had been all those years at special victims bureau she couldn't find the right words to say, so she just gave Alex a padding on her back.

"Sometimes I get these strange feelings that none of this is working, arrests, convictions, trials, you named it; 'cause at the end of the day the damaged is already done, still more victims to come, more rapists to catch, I mean is a never ending cycle and no difference is done. I thought going back to SVU would be somehow like coming back home but I was so wrong". Casey was taken aback by Alex's sudden outburst.

She decided she just couldn't stand there hearing Alex, and so she took her turn to speak "There was a time I think I was making this city better by putting white collar criminals away, then the time arrived for me to go to SVU, once there I noticed how hard it's to deal with living victims, traumatized kids; it took me a long time to adequate to that, but then again I realized all cases were different, and as soon as I got to understand that, I decided that every single action I would take, would be for justice for the people, justice for the victims; I know for sure I wasn't changing the world, but at least I have always thought somehow I helped those victims change their lifes, sometimes we the people won, sometimes not; but the important thing is knowing you did your best, maybe you don't feel that way, but you can't blame every failure on yourself ".

At hearing Casey's words Alex felt something deep inside her stir, she wasn't able to quite figured it if she felt good or bad over the other ADA's speech but she felt okay knowing she wasn't the only person feeling that way.

They continued walking to the coffee shop in relatively comfy silence, just listening to the sounds of the city, Casey paid for both cappuccinos; they just keep walking to subway station having a light banter about nonsenses.

When they reached the station, both women prepared to part ways; "Thanks for the coffee Casey" Alex said smirking, "Anytime, goodnight counselor" added the red head in a funny manner, "Night to you too Casey" Alex replied while both attorneys waved goodbye.


	5. Chapter 5

A very special thanks to DOVE IN LOVE for my first review ever, thanks a lot.

The next chapters are a little longer, hope you all like 'em.

LOASVULOASVULOASVU

Chapter 5

Over the next few days both ADAs had been seeing each other at random times, for lunch, for coffee, or just walking together to the subway, even though both women were really haughty, that didn't stop them from enjoying each other's company, but then again neither of them would admit that aloud, in fact neither of them would admit that even for themselves.

Unbeknown to them those days elapsed into weeks, both of them continue with their own affairs at court, at special victims, at white collar; but things were not as before, now they could confide with each other and that felt different but good.

It was a windy Friday evening, Alexandra Cabot was walking hurried, she'd had a horrible day at court, she had finally been able to finish to close that heinous case of child pornography, pedophiles and organs trafficking; it has been a whopping victory for the people of New York, but it came at a very high price according to the blue eyed attorney; _"How dare I do that to a little girl? Her testimony was crucial for the case, but I must had found another way around to get that conviction, I make her remember and tell everything she had been through, I had no right to that, even less to a kid, maybe justice is not equal at the end"_, she stopped her self-inflicted rebuke when she got to the building she was looking for.

She stepped out of the elevator and felt unsure about where to go, right or left, she just knew she was looking for Apartment 792, or at least is what she remembered at the moment, after a couple more of minutes wandering over the halls she came front to front with the place she had been searching, suddenly she started to felt nervous, all of her fears coming to her, once again she thought she couldn't allowed anyone to watch her in that shattered state, she didn't dare to knock on the door; _"I'd rather be alone", _she was turning on her heels when a deep, husky voice called from the other side of the corridor; "Alex?" asked Casey Novak who was approaching the blonde one, "How much have you been waiting? Sorry, I was at court", at the moment Alex had Casey in front of her; she couldn't spit a single word, and just reached out for the taller woman and hugged her tightly.

At the sole feeling of Alex's embrace, Casey dropped her briefcase and wrapped her arms over the other attorney, suddenly she felt Alex increased breathing, and so she knew the blonde was crying; she just decided to hold her a little tighter, letting Alex know she wasn't alone.

When Alex stopped sobbing, Casey look straight into her eyes and offered her a sweet, tender smile, "Come on in, you need some rest", now they were entering into Casey's realm.

Casey led Alex to the sofa while she took of her coat and hanged it on a hook rack over the door, the blonde attorney watched slowly every inch of Casey's home, there were 2 bookshelves with a lot of books on them, mostly law related articles; right in front of her was a little cozy coffee table, passed the table stood a nice furniture with a TV on top of it, on the same furniture she spotted a long collection of DVD's she almost laughed when she noticed most of them were comedies and cartoons; _"Mmmph whom could tell?"_; behind the couch she was seated, there was a really pretty dining table, and on the room of the room she caught sight of a bar separating the dining from the kitchen, to the left she just got a glimpse of a small corridor, she thought it might lead to the bedroom and the bath.

She was son entertained peering over the apartment that she didn't feel Casey sitting beside her, matter of fact she wasn't even hearing her; "Alex, Alex" said the woman with louder voice, "Oh sorry, it's just I was thinking all over what happened today" was all Alex answered.

"Can I get you a cup of coffee, maybe some tea to calm you down? You really look battered", said the red head; "Yeah, tea is fine" said the older woman.

Casey went to the kitchen and prepared all the stuff for Alex's tea, she looked over her shoulder into the living-dining room, and notice Alex had leaned on the couch, _"What could had happened? Lost the case? Don't think so, the last time she talked about that, said the evidence was rock solid maybe…." _She was pulled back into reality by the whining coming from the kettle.

When she went back to the couch found that Alex had fallen asleep, it was already late so she just decided to get her a pillow and some blankets. She tried to lay down Alex without awaking her but she failed; blue eyes open suddenly and the owner felt disoriented, however when she saw Casey everything felt on place; "Sorry Casey, I never meant to crashed at your place like this, I better get going" was all she was able to natter; "Ssssh don't worry, there's nothing to apologize for, besides it's getting late and is a long walk to the subway, perhaps it's better for you to stay here for tonight" offered Casey while she knelt down beside the attorney.

"Thank you for being such a great friend" Alex genuinely said, Casey just replied by giving Alex a light squeeze on her hand, "I'll leave you alone so you can continue sleeping, oh I forgot, the tea is on the table but it might already be cold" called the taller woman as she went to her bedroom.

As soon as Casey was out of her sight, Alex sat back again and reached for the tea offered to her earlier, she smile when she saw the other woman had put some biscuits on the tray too, she was really grateful since she hadn't had dinner, but above anything she was happy for allowing herself calling Casey _friend_, sure they confide in each other but before this all she could called the red head was a _confident_; but that had changed, well at least for today.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"_Friend, friend, friend, great friend"_, Casey couldn't stop thinking about what Alex said that night earlier; it was almost unbearable to her that the other woman called her like that, but worst of all, it wasn't letting her sleep, she would just turned from side to side of her bed, but anyway she couldn't stop thinking about that. She decided to just lay on her back and close her eyes waiting for exhaustion to come and get her; but the only thing that got to her were her memories.

"Teacher, Casey is punching Adrienne" Called a dark eyed boy.

"Casey, Casey! Stop bullying your classmates!" shouted the teacher.

"I'm not doing anything wrong miss, I'm just playing with Pam, can ask her", Answered back a little Casey Novak, wearing a mischievous grin on her pretty little face.

"Is that true Pam?" Asked the elementary school teacher to little Pam.

"Yes miss, we were just playing, we aren't even close to Adrienne", was Pam's answer to the question; she just looked over to Casey and gave her an equally mischievous smile.

Casey remembered her good old times at elementary and junior high, she was a truly happy kid, she wasn't the most popular girl ever but at least everyone got to knew her, whether for her merry attitude towards her friends or her jokes, nicknames or her mocking on almost everyone else but her few friends; right now Casey couldn't quite understand how a school bully became an attorney speaking for other persons' rights.

Those school memories were some of her happiest memories, but by the time she got to high it all changed, she changed.

She decided she would leave behind all of that teasing and raillery, she would focus on being something big in life; again it didn't go quite easy, on school she was becoming an excellent student and that surprised a lot of her classmates who had underwent a lot of Casey's bullying on the past years; at home it was the same story, she was a really great daughter and even a better sister to her brothers; however deep inside her she wasn't able to figure out what she wanted, but most importantly who she was.

For most of her time at high school she would only focus on school and sports; by the time she reached senior year, her only real close friend left was Pam; but that was the problem, Casey didn't want to be near her anymore, not because she hated Pam or doesn't liked her, but it was because she had feelings she mustn't had had. All senior year was long for her, with every day that passed she felt closer to getting away from her, and that make her feel sad but it also offered relieve.

The day of graduation arrived and she swore to herself she would enjoy it to the max. She danced, she cried, she laughed, she drank, she said goodbye, she hugged; but above all that, she kissed.

They were walking out of school together for taking a breath of fresh air, they sat at a bench just a few meters way from the school's door, they were there just enjoying each other's company, intertwining their fingers; Casey looked at her friend, and she looked back at her, "I will always miss you Pam", and just before the other girl could answer something, Casey closing her eyes leaned in and kissed Pamela, the other girl just froze, not pulling out of the moment nor deepening it.

It was a short kiss; nonetheless for Casey that moment was almost endless, when she opened her eyes all she was able to do was apologize to her friend, "Sorry Pam, goodbye", was all she stammered before running away looking for home.

That last summer vacations were hard for her, she wasn't brave enough to look for Pam, but then again Pam never attempted to look for her too, when the vacations were almost over she was grateful she could leave all of this feelings behind, now she got to prepare for something bigger, law school.

While at college Casey had plenty of things to occupy her mind with; study, softball, boyfriends.

At her time being a sophomore, she knew a couple of nice guys that she dated, even though she never got to feel a true change inside her she kept doing that because it make her felt good and somehow normal; she always thought that was kind of pathetic, while many girls _experiment with girls _on college, she had gone the other way round.

After a few more of those _boyfriends _she got to know the one that change her life, she met Charlie.

Whit Charlie things were not the same, she bonded with him, she cared for him, she lost her virginity to him; and she felt happy, maybe she could never erased who she is, but with Charlie she got to thought that she could, they got engaged.

Sadly that life was not genuine, and God or maybe Nature got in charge of messing things up; shortly before finishing law school Charlie started to change, he got rage episodes, she talked alone; afterwards he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, they weren't able to kept their relationship going, and at the end Casey broke their engagement.

Later she was clerking at Mary Clark's office, and then she started working for the DA's office for the first time, at least one of her dreams had come true.

After Charlie's incident she for the first time got the nerves to be herself, she would overcome her fears and accept what she is.

Soon after she started going out to gay clubs, knowing people like her, feeling comfortable with who she is and how she feel; then she started kissing with other women, then touching with other women, and finally having sex with other women; always keeping a low profile.

In some strange way, she started to think that her life was taking the course it always meant to had, however once again God or Nature interfered with her own plans, and Charlie appeared and attacked her, she got to let Charlie walk out of the_ situation_ without charges, but sometime later he was found death.

Once again she couldn't felt in peace, not even with herself, she always thought that perhaps if she had stayed with Charlie, he would still be alive, and sometimes she narrowly thought that maybe if she wasn't a lesbian, maybe but just maybe her life would be better.

She got all those feelings, and it hurt even more to keep all that just to her; she once thought that she found a friend in Olivia, but she has always been really an unforgiving person, and after Olivia reproached her about being clement with Saul Picard out of remorse for no helping her former boyfriend; at the moment she didn't say a thing, but afterwards she never got to be the same person with Olivia. Being honest with herself she still cared for Olivia and everyone else on the 1-6 but she never considered them friends.

And then again disgrace hit her, she was censured for lying to a judge, it was afar a fair and noble reason but she couldn't forgive herself for being so stupid; but just like that she got her life tore away from her hands.

She couldn't avoid feeling like a complete flop; she failed to justice, to her family, but mostly she failed to her own self. Went back home to her family was something she enjoy on vacation or holidays, but this time it was a whole different story, she needed her family.

Watching her brothers, nephews, nieces, and specially her mom; was something she felt grateful for, just living a simple normal life, surrounded by the people she could always count on, she even thought on quitting everything else and move back full time with her family, they might need her especially since her beloved dad passed away some years ago, and being the eldest among her brothers she felt responsible for them and her mom no mattering they all were old enough to take care for themselves, but at the moment all make pretty sense at least in Casey's head; however NYC called her back again.

"_What a sad life, I just got called friend and I recalled my whole life"_, Casey thought while a tear roll down her cheek, suddenly she couldn't held tears anymore, and they started to shed away, _"I guess I suck"_.

Sleepiness and exhaustion overwhelmed Casey; she just faded away into her world unfulfilled dreams.

Healing her wounds was a matter of time, but filling that void she had felt on her soul since high school was something she still had to deal with it.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The next morning Alex woke up feeling a little startled when she noticed the foreign surroundings, then she just remembered the last day happenings; it troubled her how the only person she got to trust these days was Casey, mainly because she and Casey barely knew each other before the moments they shared during the last weeks, however she felt something special about the red head that make her feel easy around her.

She was brought back to reality by Casey's voice, "Good morning, slept well?" Alex sat and turned to look over at Casey, she didn't expected to see Casey in business suit, she was sporting a light gray two piece suit with a white blouse and matching heels, the woman look absolutely gorgeous; "Yeah Casey, matter of fact" answered the blonde before the other woman notice her lack of response.

"I think court isn't opened today counselor", Alex said in a mocking all business voice, "Yeah I know, but some bankers are still swindling some people's money, and who else if not me is putting them behind bars" Casey crafty replied just before laughing slightly at Alex's funny face because of her answer; "Truth is I just got to meet with a defendant and his lawyer, I'll offer them a deal, hope they aren't stupid enough to let it pass and go to court", Alex could see how much the white collar crimes' ADA enjoyed delighting by how she managed her case; "Well, good luck I guess" she replied back, "Thanks. Sorry for not staying here with you Alex, but you know how this works".

"Don't worry, besides I'm the one should be apologizing for crashing like this at your place, thank you very much", Alex made a brief pause "Just allowed me to put on my pumps and we're out of here".

"Sure, it's alright" was the red head's short reply.

After a couple more minutes both women were ready to go, they just walked silently to the sub station.

Once there, Alexandra Cabot was the first to speak, "Thanks again Casey, I really appreciate what you did", Casey answered with a little of bewilderment lingering at her voice "It was nothing, you know anytime, I'm glad you're feeling better this morning" the red head check the hour "Excuse me I must really get going, I don't want to be late".

"Sure, better hurry up, catch you later" answered Alex waving goodbye to the attorney, Casey just mimicked Alex and waved goodbye too.

It has been an easy going meeting with the crooks, and for Casey fortunately they weren't morons and take the deal she offered in exchange of the other implicated on the crime, she felt once again on top of her game; offering deals, making threats, convicting criminals, do justice; but for today it was all she planned on doing, it has been a long week and she deserved some time for herself.

For the meantime, Alex was on her apartment arranging some paperwork for the court cases coming next week, but something else lingered on the back of her mind, she was thinking about Casey Novak; it was something _different _what they shared, they sometimes lunched together or strolled together when going home, it was kind of funny how despite they both being lawyers when they were together they wouldn't talk all that much, and when they did, it was mostly about unimportant thing they would just laughed later about that, she couldn't figure why things were like that, but she knew she liked that.

The cell phone's ring interrupted Casey's cartoon marathon, she even hesitated on answering but she thought it might be work, she was surprised when she checked the ID caller and saw it was Alex, _"Maybe she forgot something here"; _"Hi Casey, it's Alex" heard the green-eyed woman; "Oh Alex, how you doing? I hope you already feel good", answered Casey; "You know about that, I was thinking on making it up to you…" she was interrupted; "No, I mean there's no need of doing that, it wasn't big thing".

"Come on Casey, it'll be fun, just get out of our little world, one night without objections, judges, defendants, victims; just you and I having some fun" Alex said on the other side of the line; "I guess you win, just tell me when and where, and I'll be there" Casey answered with a defeated tone.

"Well, I like what I'm hearing; what about tomorrow at 3 P.M. at Central Park's Carrousel, is that fine with you?" Alex asked smiling.

"Sure no problem, I'll see you there", Casey answered nonchalantly; "Well, so we are all set, see you tomorrow then Casey, have a nice day" was all Alex answered before Casey said goodbye to her "You too Alex, have a great evening".

After the call with Alex, ADA Novak went back to laughing at her cartoons, after a couple hours she ordered some pizza just before working on some statements for trials on Monday; suddenly she started recalling her phone call with the other lawyer, by her present standards going out with someone let alone Alex Cabot was something almost unknown and it certainly make her nervous, she just pushed that to the back of her mind an concentrate on the papers in front of her; one thing was for sure, Casey Novak was excited.

The next day Casey went over her wardrobe looking for something nice for wearing, she had thought on jeans but at the end she decided to wear a nice green dress with flowers print, it just look perfect for going to the park, she was wearing too some nice green earrings along with a green necklace, when she looked at her on the mirror she smirked to herself; she was really thrilled about going out, she thought this was a perfect opportunity for being able to get a true friend, and Casey never allowed herself those kind of opportunities.

Just before getting out of home her cell phone rang, she answered without watching the ID; "Hello?" she said, "Hi Casey it's me Alex, I'm really sorry but I got called in at SVU, so I won't be able to go out today, I'm really sorry about….."; she was cut off by Casey's reply "It's alright, I know how is that, go get them" just before Casey hang the phone, the attorney on the other side spoke again "Maybe some other day, next weekend if you're available"; "Doesn't matter, it'll be at some other time, luck" was Casey's deflated response.

Just after calling off their _date_, Casey realized how much she wished going out with the other woman; unfortunately right now she felt rejected though.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The following days were filled with a massive load of work for both ADAs, however that didn't stop Alex from noticing the sudden change in Casey's behavior towards her, certainly the red head had never been really cheerful and out of work she wasn't all that talkative; but these days Alex could feel as if Casey doesn't even want to see her, and when they met it was Casey the one being indifferent and nonchalant; most of the times that puzzled the blonde but it also started hurting her.

All week Casey had occupied herself with all kind of tasks, from important things to meaningless matters, but that wasn't enough though; she still felt disappointed about last Sunday, although she knew how hard it's working for the DA's office specially sex crimes, she just wouldn't allow herself to be okay with Alex; it was so selfish but then again Casey have always been that way. But Alex wasn't just someone else; she was the only person Casey has come to trust in a very long time; and perhaps it had come the right time to push her pride aside.

ADA Cabot could hear from the hallway her office's phone ringing, when she stepped in she could barely answered the call; "ADA's Cabot office, who's this?" said the attorney when she picked up the phone; "Hi Alex, it's Casey Novak", the blonde never expected Casey calling, mostly because of her behavior during the past few days; "How may I help you?" was her stern answer, she really didn't to talk to the red head like that, but she couldn't help it, she already had been jaded with the other woman's attitude.

Casey immediately felt the disaffection at the blonde's words, however she stay calmed and continued talking; "I have a couple of tickets for ballet on Friday night, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to come with me" offered Casey; the blue-eyed never expected that, she was speechless for a moment; "Of course I'd love to" replied when she found her voice.

"Well it'll be at eight o'clock at Lincoln center, I suggest we leave together at six?" said the red head; "Sure, see you then" was Alex's short reply; "Alright catch you later, bye".

Even though both women had to be at court on Friday, their apparels looked a bit over the top, Casey wore a nice black dress with matching hosiery and a really glamorous black velvet heels; on the other side Alex sported an equally beautiful navy blue dress and matching pumps; the truth was that no mattering what they wore both of them were gorgeous.

When they met at the DA's office gate, they both look slightly at each other; they think almost the same about each of them; _"Stunning" "Dazzling"_; however none of them said a word.

After greetings, they took a taxi to Lincoln center; once there they took their seats, then the ballet started; Casey quickly lost herself into the dances taking place on stage, however Alex was mesmerized by the scene taking place just beside her; she took notice of how much Casey enjoy watching every move of the dancers, every step, every jump, and every turn; to her it was a very nice and pleasant display of art, but for the green-eyed seated to her left it was something else, it was an alternate life she wanted to live, she wished to be on stage dancing to the rhythm of the sleeping beauty's waltz, letting herself express a feeling with every move she make, nonetheless it was nothing else than a fantasy.

After ballet, they went to grab dinner, and now they were walking home together, both have been quiet through the entire soiree, but Alex couldn't take it anymore; "Did I do something wrong?" she asked bluntly; the taller woman was taken aback by the question; _"Didn't see that coming"_ she decided to play fool with the other one "No, why you even ask?"; "Come on, let's get this straight Casey, you ignore me most of the week, then we went out but we aren't even talking, so I want to know what's going on here" said the blonde almost yelling at Casey; the red head never expected Alex bursting out like that, for a moment she thought on feigning not knowing what Alex was talking about, however she decided to cut the crap and come forward with the other woman; "What's going on? Well last weekend I thought we were going put, however at last minute you canceled, I know what's like to be trapped in that job, but I couldn't stop feeling disappointed, and tonight we're out but it's been so long since I went out with someone I don't even remember what to say or how to act, there you have it, that's what's going on here".

After Casey's words sank in, the blonde answered "I guess that makes two of us"; in that sudden moment of honesty shared by them, both broke into laughter; after that they just continue walking and talking about anything it crossed their minds, just easing to each other and enjoying their sortie.

As they reached Alex's building they called it a night, waving goodbye, but mostly hugging each other.

Just when Casey left, Alex kept smiling to herself, she almost couldn't believe that just a few hours ago Casey an her were stranded with each other, but right now they had just bonded in very unlikely but unique way.

When Casey found herself at home, she couldn't stop thinking about how great and twisted was that night, they barely talked at the beginning, then they kind of fought, but at the end they relaxed, laughed, and left their shells on the floor; it was nice to finally be able to be herself with someone else, finally she could call someone else a friend again.

After that night, things between them change; in the meantime one could say they grow into each other. As days elapsed into weeks and these into months, both attorneys started sharing a true friendship.

But it was a matter of time for things to bloom into something completely different; however none of them knew at the moment.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Finally Sunday had arrived, she had been looking forward to it, most of the times weekends and especially Sundays were the only days she could relax and have fun with her coworker and now friend Casey Novak; however this Sunday they planned on going out to Coney Island.

When the red head arrive she already was ready to go, after greetings they went out on their way to the amusement park; it's been years since none of them went to one and this somehow felt like being teenagers one more time.

After arriving to the park, Alex paid for the tickets, she said it was her treat; and with that their day just got started.

It was a completely unexpected experience, and every little happening allowed the women to knew a little bit more about each of them; Casey was terrified of hunting houses and to make thing worse Alex obliged her into every of them, on the other side the blonde attorney suffer a terrible fear of heights however that didn't stop Casey from taking her to The Cyclone, that sacred Alex to death; nonetheless they had a great time together.

When they went into the bumper cars, Alex witnessed how competitive Casey is; bumping into everyone and everything it crossed her path; by the way Casey also got to notice how skilled Alex is at playing games, and by the end of the day they got like four small stuffed animal; two frogs, one dog, one panda; but they also got a huge duck, all of those courtesy of ADA Cabot.

At the moment the night fell on New York City they were sat on a bench, they had already eaten dinner, and right now they were just looking over the ocean, none of them was talking, nonetheless they were enjoying that silent company.

For Casey this moment suddenly felt familiar, just like prom at high school, seated along her best friend; but in this moment she wasn't only seated with her best friend but rather her only friend, unlike that time at high school she doesn't felt nervous or scared, she felt grateful for having a friend like Alex.

While Casey was thinking, the blonde rested her head on her shoulder; the green-eyed only hugged her friend with one arm, and turned her head to kiss her friend on her head's top; coming from Casey that was an unthinkable display of fondness.

At the feeling of Casey's lips touching her, something snapped inside her, it was as if a thunderbolt had went through her body; but none of that mattered in that moment, 'cause she was happy.

The minutes passed, and they were on the same spot both unwillingly to move, but it was Alex who lifted her head from Casey's shoulder, watched the red head and smiled just as Casey turned to look at her; they locked eyes, and blue met green; and suddenly Alex crashed her lips against Casey's, and just like that red met gold.

It was a simple short lasting chaste kiss, all the same time expressive and sincere; Casey could feel her lips slightly brushing Alex's, touching them, tendering them, caressing them; she could felt her soul coming to surface by that kiss, she thought that moment would last forever, or at least she wanted it to last forever; nonetheless it ended, and they opened their eyes, the red head couldn't stop smiling, this time it was not like high school, tonight she was the one being kissed instead of being the one kissing; on the other side Alex felt ashamed, sure it felt good, but also she wasn't so sure about what she felt, so she just rose up and went away, not even saying Casey goodbye.

The green-eyed was left bewildered, this time that was different too, this time she wasn't the one running away; she was left behind alone, well not alone if she could count the stuffed animals as company.

Even though Alex had been gone for a while, Casey continued seated in that bench, trying to figure out what had happened, but mostly thinking about what to do, sadly that wasn't upon to her. It was getting really late, she better hurry up home.

Most people might have called it any given Sunday; for them it was the day their world change.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

It was a long way home for Alex, everything crossed her mind, she felt puzzled at the entire situation with Casey; and she was afraid of explaining all that to the attorney; _"What got into me?" _thought to herself.

When she stepped into the safeness of her apartment, she knew it was going to be a really long night for her, since that happened she hadn't been able to think on something else; she thought it might be better to watch some movie or anything that could help her take her mind away from that.

She continued flipping channels over and over again, but she didn't find anything worth watching it; she was too tired to even stand up and go to bed, so she decided to sleep on the couch.

At the moment she turned off lights and TV, once again started thinking about what happened with Casey at Coney Island; but those memories took her back to her childhood.

"Well done sweetie keep working like that, and one day all your dreams will become true" said with a lot of pride Mrs. Cabot to her little daughter Alexandra while she checked her grades.

"Thank you mommy, I just want to be a great lawyer when I grew up, just like you, like daddy, like Uncle Bill", reply an eight year old cute blonde girl not even sure of what being an attorney meant.

She remembered how great was to be a kid, with no worries, besides excelling at school, and making her parents happy; truth was she had always been a kind hearted girl, that loved her big and pretty san bernardo named Bernie; and also enjoy playing at the park with her sister and little brother, together with her cousins. In fact that was an age Alex Cabot remembered with great affection.

Then things started to get a little more complicated by the time she was finishing junior high, her body started to change, and she got all kind of new feelings and thoughts.

By the time she was attending high school, she got a boyfriend, Richard, he was all a girl could ask at that age; handsome, intelligent, educated, caring, funny; however Alex never got to love him, somehow when they kissed, when they hugged, she always felt something was missing; she even got to feel out of place when they were together.

When high school finished, she got into something really important to her, she was on her way to accomplish her goal since the time she was a little girl, she was going into college to become a lawyer like most of her family.

Once at college it was only a matter of time for her to stand out, she was almost flawless every single time she spoke, some might called it a gift, but not for her, in her it was pure dedication; sure, she grew up surrounded by lawyers, attorneys and judges; but that never guarantees success. For Alex the law was something beyond rules, codes and regulations, for her law was a way of living, was a way of helping the helpless, for her law was doing the right thing.

But for Alex, college became something more than accomplishing her life's goals, it became her opportunity to know who she truly was and is; it was only at college that she started to think about those feelings she had long ignored. She started to know people that felt just like her, with the same kind of uncertainties, knowing was just the beginning, suddenly she secretly dated other girls; and in a couple of months she started a relationship with a certain one called Sarah; they shared a lot of things in common; music, movies, books; but they also pursued some of the same accomplishments, it didn't take long for both of them to fell in love; they kissed, they caressed, they talked, they touched each other, they made love; it all seemed perfect for Alex and Sarah, however things started to change, Sarah grew anxious about coming out together, and Alex couldn't even thing about that, she always thought on looking after her family's name and reputation, she knew something like that would easily become a scandal that would even affect all of them at court. As time passed when in senior year, Sarah fought about almost everything, she was always complaining about Alex ignoring her, or not paying attention to her or her _needs_; Alex never intended to made her girlfriend feel that way, however last year of school was being absolutely demanding, it consumed most of her time; on the other side Sarah thought Alex was just being uptight about them.

On a Friday night almost at the end of school term, Alex went to Sarah's dorm to apologize for their fight last day, but what she saw changed something inside her forever; there she was holding hands with another girl, flirting at the beginning, kissing by the end; that moment hurt her so bad, she wished to never had met Sarah; just as she was leaving she heard her now ex-girlfriend calling her out, pride got the best out of her, she went back and confronted Sarah about her cheating; all the excuses and pretexts Sarah threw at Alex did not work, she had lost her.

That experience at college, change Alex view of love, she learned that true love hurts much more than pretending to be some other person, even if that meant denying her true self.

After graduating, she worked hard to get a position at the DA's office, and when it happened, she ended up at a very particular bureau, sex crimes. During her tenure at SVU, she became more conscious about other people's pain and suffering, she also learned that justice isn't always fair and in most of the cases it doesn't represent closure, not for the victims and its families nor for her. On her time there she even dated some other attorneys including, defense attorneys like that douche Langan.

Her job at SVU would eventually lead to her _death_, and when that happened she was forced to leave everything she knew behind, her family, her friends, her job; and then she started again, but this time she wasn't Manhattan's ADA Alexandra Cabot anymore, now she was Emily from Tulsa working at an Insurance company at Wisconsin, engaged to a man; her life was a sad pantomime of what it had been once.

But once again life, had something special planned for her, she would become Alex Cabot once again just for a couple of days, she would return to NYC to help put her _murderer _behind bars; ironically that was the first time she would meet ADA Casey Novak.

As soon as the trial ended she went back to that fictitious life, and all she could think was about what things would she lose again, the last time she went into WPP she lost her job, and her dignity, but what really hurt her was the fact that she couldn't be at her mother's funeral; once again she would lose everything she hasn't already lost.

Once again her life would take an unexpected turn; finally she was able of coming back to stay at NYC, all the possible threats on her life were now extinguished; and in a matter of weeks she got her job back, but this time she was Bureau Chief, her life however had change she was once again engaged and now she was dubbed as a politician rather than an attorney. Again that didn't last long as most things on her life; she broke another engagement and also stepped down as Bureau Chief when she noticed she was becoming a true politician instead of fighting for victims' justice, shortly after she started working at Appeal Bureau.

On her time at Appeal Bureau, Alex decided to change her life this time by her own will not waiting for some foreign situation to change it; she would live just by the way she feel, working on the things she like, going out to where she want, and loving who she wish.

At some point she thought she would end up stuck at appeals, but then destiny played one for her own sake, and she went back to SVU; on the side she finally dared to secretly date woman again, she still considered important to keep _clean _her family's image, but to finally accept herself as gay was an important step on her life, she once again was allowing herself to knew someone that could make her feel loved, and that was far more important that tons of meaningless engagements.

Shortly after she got moved by a case, so much she decided to take a leave of absence to help people overseas; that sole fact touched her enough to reassess her life; but what awaited back at home was what was changing her world.

"_Maybe it's time to stop running from my inner self" _Alex thought to herself, _"I can't run away all life, eventually I'll fade, but I don't want to suffer again for love, I don't want to suffer for you"_; was all the blonde thought before falling asleep with Casey on her mind.


	11. Chapter 11

These are the final chapters hope you like 'em; once again thanks for the new review, and thanks too to all of you who had read the story this far.

LOASVULOASVULOASVU

Chapter 11

None of them have the guts to go and face the other one, however both had a lot of questions and explanations about what had happened that night at Coney Island; nonetheless they kept avoiding each other, and Casey started to feel bitter about the whole situation; even though it has been a short kiss, she had poured her soul in it, and it had left her feeling exposed and vulnerable.

The whole week went like that, Alex avoiding almost hiding from Casey; and the latter being selfish, nonchalant, not even caring about the blonde; however sooner or later they unavoidably would bump into each other.

On Friday just as Casey was leaving the DA's office she found herself face to face with the blue eyed woman who had taken sleep away for her the past days; when the blonde noticed the other woman standing right in front of her, she could see Casey' eyes filled with rage; in that moment she had no idea of what to say, so she just turned to leave; however she felt a strong grasp on her wrist, and before she was able to cast a word, she heard the red head's voice lingering with disdain "So, you're leaving again without saying a single word?"; she immediately got upset by the remark "Judging for your attitude all week long, I thought the last person you want to hear about is me"; "Well you owe me, you know? You don't do something like what you did and run away like a coward", said the green-eyed almost yelling, even though she knew she had been a coward too that one time at prom; "Not here, let's go to somewhere else", was Alex's reply as she freed her arm from the attorney's harsh grasp.

Just when they were out of the building Casey started ranting again, "I want an explanation Alexandra, come on you don't go like that kissing people and running away afterwards, I mean we aren't kids playing around anymore", she made a short pause to catch her breath, "I don't know how you feel, but at least I started to consider you a friend for a while, you are the only person I've been honest in a really long time, but suddenly you kissed me out of nowhere, so please Alex tell me what the hell is going on between us?"; Alex froze at the harshness of those words, however she got the nerve to answer "I don't really know what you want me to say, but I can assure you that what happened on Sunday was nothing but a moment of weakness, I know how you feel 'cause you are also the only one I've trusted in years, I let emotions overcame me, and that kiss was only an impulse, as I already told you it was nothing but weakness".

When the blonde's words struck in, Casey felt something shattering deep inside, "So that's it, just an impulse" she stopped only to cautiously choose her next words "I'm glad you had that urge to kissed me, it's really comprehensible…" Alex could notice the sarcasm clawing on Casey's words "… but I won't lie to you, I wished you would have had the sudden impulse of fucking me, instead of toying around with childish kisses and silly caresses, you know to cut all the fucking crap and get straight to the point, but you preferred to waste time with me playing friends, kissing and all that fucking bullshit".

The blonde was getting sharply hurt by the attorney's tantrum, however she wouldn't stand there and just listen to Casey's nonsense, she knew she hadn't done anything wrong, and kissing Casey haven't been a mistake until now; she had thought about the red head only as a friend but that day something stirred inside herself so she kissed her, however she never knew Casey would react on such a rude way about the kiss and mostly about her confused emotions, but right now she had had enough of the ADA's rudeness; "So you think all those sorties together were just to get into your pants? Well counselor don't be so haughty about yourself, has it crossed your mind I might just needed a friend? You should stop acting like a little brat, and stop complaining about things when they don't go the way you wish…" now it was Alex who was talking with disdain "… every single time things doesn't turn out the way you like, you just start acting hard and stupid, be a real woman and grow up a little, stop hiding behind irony and foolishness, it's time for you to face reality".

"OK" was all the red head could answer, before turning to leave; "See, who's running away now?" shouted the blue eyed attorney still euphoric for the moment before.

Casey was taken aback by the blonde's words, mostly because she was alright, when she heard Alex saying that kiss was only an impulse, she felt broken, even though she didn't allow herself to accept it, the hope had grown inside her that maybe Alex had other kind of feeling for Casey beyond friendship; however when Alex shut down that possibility, she felt alone; inexplicably that kiss had raised all kind of feelings and sensations in Casey, it made her realize that she had fallen in love with the other attorney; just at that moment she could understand what meant all those moments whit Alex; all the little happening, the giggles, the sorties, the hugs, and of course the kiss; nonetheless any of that matter anymore, it had only been an illusion. When she felt tears spilling from her eyes, she started walking faster she couldn't allow anyone to see her in that shattered state but that didn't matter any longer because finally her true inner feelings had overwhelmed her façade of pride.

Alex stood there, seeing the red head's slender figure fading into the crowd; as much as she had come to care for the other woman, now she was hurt; hurt by Casey's display of bigotry, hurt by her lack of support, but mainly hurt by her absence; in the last weeks she had bonded with Casey, she started feeling alive again, she trusted and cared for her; but today she had threw all away, not caring about Alex's emotions, accusing her of feigning everything they lived together for the past few weeks, all just to _fuck _her. But Alex was upset about something else; she was upset for not daring to tell Casey the truth that she was falling hard for her; none of that is relevant any longer though, for Alex it had only been a fantasy. So she was alone again, only this time her heart was broken.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

After that evening, the relationship between both women had stopped, it was almost as if none of them existed to each other, they had bumped at elevators a couple of times, not even bothering at greeting the other, not mattering that inside they were anxious for words, caresses, embraces, and apologies; days continued to pass, and they kept spotting each other at random occasions, and as always they continue ignoring themselves, however with every time they saw each other, the pain from that day stinged again, but none of them would let it surface.

The same situation kept going for weeks, but one day it changed, Alex was locking her office when she caught a glimpse of two persons at the end of the hallway, when she looked closely, she noticed one person to be Casey Novak, however she couldn't identified the second woman; at the moment she got jealous, but then defeat and sadness overwhelmed her, she never got the courage to talk to Casey again, not even to say bye properly, and now she was gone. She opened the door, and decided to stay a little longer at her office; she couldn't take herself to look at that scene any longer.

Outside in the hallway Casey thought she had seen someone at the middle of the corridor, _"Maybe is Alex, she always stays late, perhaps I should…."_; she was brought back to reality by the young court clerk standing in front of her, Casey hastened to hand over the papers she had been working on all day, when Casey finished explaining the shorter woman the delay about the case, she excused herself getting ready to go, just before leaving she took one last look at the hallway, _"No one's there, it must be exhaustion"_.

The next morning when the green-eyed stepped into her office, she noticed a white envelop on the floor, she was puzzled by it, all her correspondence arrived at the office's mail box and a clerk would bring it at midmorning, but this letter might be something different; she bent down and took it, she was about to open it when the telephone rang; _"Later, now is time to work"_, she thought while she put the envelop in her desk's drawer.

The day went like any other, finishing some paperwork and preparing some closing arguments for court that afternoon; just before leaving to court, she remembered the envelop, and she took it out of the drawer and putted it in her briefcase; _"I'll open it after court"_.

She was seated at courtroom, listening to the stupidities coming out from the defense attorney's mouth and mind; she already knew it was a won case, so she started gathering her notes and putted them in her briefcase, however when she opened it she saw the envelop, she was tempted to opened it right there, nevertheless it was now her turn to voice her closing arguments, _"It'll have to wait"_.

"Guilty", that word always made her day and right now she could call it off; she was seated on her way home, looking through the subway's windows looking to the people, oblivious to everything; suddenly she remembered the mysterious envelop seating at the bottom of her briefcase, so she took it out, and finally opened it; she unfolded the piece of paper in it, and took notice that it was a handwritten letter, however she never expected what it was written on it.

"_I don't really know where to start, there's so much I want to say to you but at the same time I'm afraid of doing it; I just want you to know that the time we shared together is something that will always hold a special place in my life, I enjoyed those days when we would walk at the park every time we finished work early, and grabbing a cup of coffee together by the end of the day; it all started really slow, we would barely talk to each other at the beginning but that day at the ballet something changed, I don't know what it was or how to call it, perhaps magic; however after that day we really started trusting each other, we care for each other; that night, I remember how enchanted you were with the ballet and just like that I got charmed with you; I'm very fond of that day when walking home you took my hand, we intertwined our fingers and walk all the way down the subway station, I even remember how none of us would release the other's hand, but above all that, I would never forget how sweetly you kissed my hand when you finally let my hand free; bottom line is that I started to care for you in a way far beyond friends without really realizing it at the time, rather I didn't want to realize it; however that never kept me from enjoying our time together, even when we had dinner together and none of us would talk, I have fond memories of those cozy silences; truth is you're the only one I have care for in years, and every single moment we spend together made me care for you even more, but that stopped one day, because I didn't care for you anymore because I started loving you. I know that wasn't what you were looking for, however it happened and my feelings overpowered me, and that day at Coney Island it just came to the surface; that kiss as wimp as it was, for me it was electric; my body and senses stopped responding, for that little amount of time I was fearless, brave, bold, I mean I felt safe kissing you; how pathetic when we parted away and opened my eyes I felt doubtful and fearful, dreading your reaction, so I just ran away; I'm completely aware that I never looked for you after that, and it was a mistake not to face what had happened, however you didn't look after me too; I'm not blaming you but I think that perhaps if one of us would have acted sooner, maybe things wouldn't have ended the way they did; I know we said some hurtful things that only time we talked, and I accept that you were right about me running away and not facing the outcome of my actions, as you said we're not kids any longer; however I don't apologize for what I said to you, I still believe you were being selfish and whimsical, you called harshly for answers, and when I spoke you didn't even bother on reflecting what I was saying, maybe my answers weren't what you expected, but at the moment I was too afraid of telling you my real inner feelings, I was afraid of banish you; anyway that ended up happening and my biggest fear happened too, I lost you. The reason behind this letter is actually to get closure, I saw you last night with someone else and I think the time has come to move over us; besides I just can't bear the idea of those day's words being our last ones, it already causes too much pain seeing you and not be able to hug you or talk to you, so this is my way of saying good bye; I wish you luck, and I sincerely want you to find happiness, you deserve it Casey._

_Alexandra_

Casey was touched by the words on Alex's letter, she knew she had acted wrong that day, but she never thought she meant so much for the blonde attorney; all what was written was right, but now it was too late for make things change; in that moment she couldn't restrain tears anymore, and they just broke free, she had never imagined Alex felt the same as her.

"_Come on, I can't kept committing the same mistakes"_, suddenly Casey rose from her seat decided to make things right for the first time in a very long time.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Just after stepping down from the train, Casey dialed the blonde's number, however the call couldn't be done, Alex's phone was off; the red head was desperate, she needed to talk to her, ask forgiveness, amend mistakes; but right now she wasn't even able to find Alex.

Casey was almost running on her way to the DA's office hoping to find a certain blue-eyed, nevertheless she was disappointed when she found no one there, she started to grow impatient about Alex, she couldn't call her nor found her; suddenly she remembered the SVU squad, perhaps they would know about the attorney's whereabouts.

"Stabler", answered with a very formal tone Det. Elliot Stabler; "Hi Elliot, it's Casey Novak" replied the woman; "What a miracle Casey, you never called after Catherine Harrison's case, so how have you been?" she wasn't in mood for greeting, so she just went to the point "I'm kind of hurry right now Elliot, I'm looking for your ADA, any idea where she might be?" the detective wasn't expecting that, he guessed it was work related, "She was here this morning, she mentioned something about an arraignment at noon though"; it might look as a good lead however it was already five o'clok, "Well, Thanks Elliot" she answered sounding a little defeated; "Sorry, wish I could help you some more" replied the man; "Don't worry it's fine, besides it's not that important, take care" was all the attorney said before hanging off.

Now she had run off of good ideas, she kept calling to her cell and home and still no answer, she had absolutely no idea where Alex could be, she was thinking on going to the blonde's home and wait till she appeared, that was the only idea left; nevertheless amongst that void of despair, a clerk from Alex's floor approached Casey who was still outside the blonde's office; "Excuse me miss, are you looking for ADA Cabot? I've seen you stood here for a while", she was startled by the young men voice calling her "Yes, I got some issues to attend with her", she replied hoping to get some info about the attorney; "Well in that case, she got called to judge Taten's chambers about some warrant, that was almost an hour ago, it may take some time maybe you can wait for her however I don't know if she's coming back, or if you lend me your business card I would hand it over to her when she arrives"; Casey was relieved about finally knowing Alex's whereabouts, but she couldn't believe that the clerk didn't recognize her as a fellow ADA, _"Rookie or maybe he's just too polite"_; nonetheless het thoughts came out as "Thanks, I would come later", now she was on her way back to the court.

In her anxiety, Casey thought taking a Taxi would be the fastest way to the court, but reality was she was stuck into traffic just a couple of blocks away from the courthouse, she was getting totally despaired, so she paid the cabbie and decided to make her way running to court; _"I should start riding my bike back"_, on her race to court she noticed how long the blocks really were and especially how much it hurts running on heels, however after pushing herself over the limit she finally arrived to her goal; she was completely faded away and the courthouse steps look much higher than they've ever been, and there was still a long trail to judge Taten's chambers; but any of that mattered, certainly it wouldn't stop the restless Casey Novak; _"It's the last effort" _thought the red head attorney cheering herself to continue.

She was half way of the courthouse's stairs, and at that moment she saw at the top of the steps the person she had been looking for a couple of hours; the woman looked battered, tired, overwhelmed, graceful, pretty, radiant, beautiful; Casey hurried up to catch Alex, and when she finally got face to face with her, she wasn't able to shed a single word; on the other side Alex just looked briefly at the red head, and was about to continue her path, when once again she felt a grasp, but this time it was a gently and tender hold on her hand, she could feel Casey's thumb caressing softly the top of her hand, she turned around to face the green-eyed, suddenly Casey was taking her hand to her lips, and she felt the red head's smooth lips brushing gently the skin covering her hand; she noticed Casey's eyes staring intensely at her, pleading her not to leave, soon her eyes weren't longer the ones pleading, now it was her voice; "Please, don't go".

Alex stared sadly into Casey's orbs, she supposed the red head was there because of her letter; however that kiss on her hand arose a myriad of sensations, feelings began to betray her, sadness and happiness both struggling over her reason but mostly over her heart; however at the moment nothing else mattered, she was with the one she loved, and whether it was for good or bad she would treasure that instant.

They had spent a couple of minutes in the same position, Casey holding the attorney's hand and both looking into each other's soul; nonetheless neither of them dared to speak first, maybe words weren't needed or perhaps they couldn't find them; and even though it was only an instant, for both ADAs it felt endless, or at least they wished it was.

Finally Casey broke the silence, "Sorry Alex, after reading your letter I realized all my mistakes, there's no excuses, and I had no right to do what I said and did, but I did it because I was afraid, I'm still afraid of getting hurt, it once happened to me, I fell in love but it was unrequited, after that happened I lived an alternate life, hiding from my feelings, avoiding pain, trying to be someone else; and at some point I was successful at that…" it seemed as if Casey was talking to herself, whispering rather than speaking, however Alex could notice the depth dwelling in her _friend's _words, "….but then things went wrong again, and despite it was hard to start over again, finally I came to terms with who I am, however I still kept hiding from love"; Casey was on the verge of tears, remembering was always a hard thing for her, but this time she wasn't alone; and right now it was Alex the one tendering the red head's hand; "I tried to live like that, going from one woman's bed to another one; but suddenly it all came to a halt, that happened when we started bonding, and I never realized it before, but it was because you started filling all my needs, you made me laugh, you understood me, you made me better; however I wouldn't let myself accept that I was falling in love again, I reacted like a coward and hid, but then we kissed, and it grew hopes within me; nevertheless I didn't have the force to tell you that, on the contrary, when we finally spoke I only reclaimed to you, and didn't even gave you chance to explain yourself; I felt used and conned, I thought you were only playing with me and my emotions, but when I read that letter, I finally understood that I can't run all life, trying to avoid pain and suffering; but at the end I got the courage and dared to tear down my armor, perhaps it's too late but at least I did it; as your letter says maybe it's time to move on, but I wish to tell you that I love you". When the attorney barely finished talking she burst into tears, however this time those tears weren't from pain, this time she cried from happiness, she had finally set herself free.

As soon as Alex noticed the red heads flowing down her cheeks, she hugged her, letting her acknowledge that she wasn't alone anymore; she was touched by Casey's speech, she understand her more than she imagined, she had had those same hard feelings for years, and just like her she still suffered over them; but now she was there for holding her, for not letting her fall. Casey on her side tightened their embrace she rested her head on Alex's shoulder facing her, "Please forgive me, maybe we can't be together any longer, not even as friends, but I least I need to know that you won't be angry with me", just as she finished apologizing, Casey kissed Alex slightly on her cheek; "There's no need for forgiveness, I had never been angry at you and I'll never be", replied the blue-woman with words coming from the honesty of her soul. At this point both were now crying, pouring their souls through their eyes, letting their tears express the rest of their unspoken feelings.

When they finally broke apart, tears were still streaming down their faces; they wish they could kept like that forever, however reality struck back, and now it was time to part away; but suddenly everything seemed to be in place, instead of saying goodbye they came closer to each other, and at last they let their wishes flow; it was Casey this time who closed the gap between them, and once again their lips met, it was a long lasting sweet kiss, no hurries, no roughness, only two persons knowing each other's dreams, feelings and hopes; with every single soft and tender stroke of their lips and tongues, they knew a little more about themselves; in that moment, time detained, and everything else stopped mattering; the defense attorneys passing by, the city's noise, their briefcases now over the floor, Alex family's prestige, Casey's pride, no more victims nor frauds, no more hiding, no more crying, no more suffering, no more fear; right there, in that instant, in between each other's arms and lips, the only thing that mattered was love.

LOASVULOASVULOASVU

This is the end, and thanks to all of you that took some of your time to read and review this, it's really appreciated.

PEACE.


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